第2章

Atthatmoment，ofalltheplacesintheworldthatIcouldthinkof——andIcouldthinkofagreatmanybecausetheeventsofmypastlifewererapidlyflashingpastme——asiscustomary，Iamtold，inothercasesofgraveperil，suchasdrowning——IsayofalltheplacesintheworldtherewerejusttwowhereIleastdesiredtobe——onewasupontopofthathorseandtheotherwasdownunderhim。Butitseemedtobeachoiceofthetwoevils，andsoIchosethelesserandgotunderhim。Ididthisbyasimpleexpedientthatoccurredtomeatthemoment。Ifelloff。Iwastrampedonconsiderably，andtheearthprovedtobeharderthanitlookedwhenviewedfromanapproximateheightofsixteenmilesup，butI

livedandbreathed——oratleastIbreathedafteratimehadelapsed——andIwassatisfied。Andso，havinggonethroughthisexperiencemyself，IaminpositiontoappreciatewhatanyothermanofmygeneralbuildisgoingthroughasIseehimbobbingby——

thepoormartyr，sacrificinghimselfasaburntoffering，oranywayablisteredone——onthehighaltarofaGothicruinofahorse。

And，besides，Iknowthatridingahorsedoesn"treduceafatman。

Itmerelyreducesthehorse。

Soitgoes——thefatmanisalwaysupagainstit。Hisfigureishalf—mastedinregretfulmemoryoftheproportionshehadonce，andheismadetomourn。Mostsportsandmanygainfulpursuitsareclosedagainsthim。Hecannotplaylawntennis，or，atleastaccordingtomyobservation，hecannotplaylawntennisoftenerthanonceintwoweeks。Inbetweengameshelimpsround，stiffasahattreeandsoreasamashedthumb。Timewaswhenhemightmingleinthemysticmazesofthewaltz，trippingthelightfantastictoeorstubbingit，asthecasemaybe。Butthatwasinthedaysoftheold—fashionedsquaredance，whichwasthefatman"sfriendamongdances，andalsooftheold—fashionedtwo—step，andnotinthesetimeswhendancingisacrossbetweenawrestlingmatch，acontortionactandatriponaroller—coaster，andiseithernamedforananimal，liketheBunnyHugandtheTarantulaGlide，orforatown，liketheMobileMop—Up，andtheFarRockawayRockandtheSouthBendBend。Hisfriendswouldinterfere——ortheauthoritieswould。Hecangoinswimming，itistrue;butifheturnsoverandfloats，peopleyelloutthatsomebodyhassettheliferaftadrift;andifhebasksatthewater"sedge，boatswillcomeinandtrytodockalongsidehim;andifhetakesasunbathonthebeachandsunburns，there"ssoeverlastingmuchofhimtobesunburnedthathepracticallyamountstoaconflagration。Hecan"tshootrapids，crapsorbiggamewithanydegreeofcomfort;

norplaybilliards。Hecan"tgetcloseenoughtothetabletomaketheshots，andheputsalltheEnglishonhimselfandnoneofitonthecueball。

Considerthegainfulpursuits。Thinkhowmanyofthemaredeniedtothemanwhomayhaveenergyandabilitybutisshutoutbecausethereareafewextraterracesonhisfrontlawn。Afatmancannotbealeadingmaninaplay。Nobodydesiresafatheroforanovel。

Afatmancannotgoinforaeroplaning。Hecannotbeawire—walkerorasuccessfulwalkerofanyoftheotherrecognizedbrands——

track，cake，sleeporfloor。Hedoesn"tmakeapopularwaiter。

Nobodywantsafatwaiteronahotday。True，youmaymakehimbringyourorderundercovereddishes，butevenso，thereisstillthatsuggestionofrainonatinroofthatisdistastefultosomany。

SoIrepeatthatfatpeoplearealwaysgettingtheworstofit，andIsayagain，ofalltheillsthatfleshisheirto，theworstisthefleshitself。Asthepoetsays——"Theworld，thefleshandthedevil"——andthereyouhaveitinasentence——thefleshinbetween，catchingthedevilononesideandthejeersoftheworldontheother。Idon"tcarewhatDr。WoodsHutchinsonoranyotherthinmansays！Icontendthathistoryisstuddedwithinstancesofprominentpersonswholostoutbecausetheygotfat。

TakeCleopatranow，theladytowhomMarcAntonysaid:"Iamdying，Egypt，dying，"andthenrefrainedfromdoingsoforaboutnineteenmorestanzas。CleoorPat——shewasknownbybothnames，Ihear——

didfairlywellasaqueen，asacoquetteandasapromoterofexcursionsontheriver——untilshefleshenedup。Thensheflivvered。DoctorJohnsonwasafatmanandhesufferedfrompricklyheat，andfromBoswell，andfromthefactthathecouldn"teatwithoutspillingmostofthegravyonhissecondmezzaninelanding。AsathinandspindlystriplingNapoleonalteredthemapofEuropeandstoodmanynationsontheirheads。ItwasafterhehadgrownfatandpursythathelandedonSt。Helenaandspenthislastdaysonabarrenrock，withhisarmsfolded，posingforsteelengravings。Nerowasfat，andhehadalotofhardluckinkeepinghisrelatives——theywerealmostconstantlydyingonhimandhefinallyhadtostabhimselfwithoneofthosepainful—lookingoldRomantwo—handedswords，lestsomethingreallyseriousbefallhim。

Falstaffwasfat，andhelostthefavorofkingsinthelastact。

ComingdowntoourowndayandturningtoapointnofartherawaythantheWhiteHouseatWashington——buthavewenotenoughexampleswithoutbecomingpersonal？Yes，IknowJuliusCaesarsaid:"Letmehavemenaboutmethatarefat。"Butyoubetitwasn"tintheheatedperiodwhenJ。Caesarsaidthat！

TeethOneofthemostpleasantfeaturesaboutbeingborn，asIconceiveit，isthatwearebornwithoutteeth。Ibelievetherehavebeenafewexceptionstothisrule——RichardtheThird，accordingtotheaccounts，cameintotheworldequippedwithallhisteethandaperfectlymiserabledisposition;andonceinawhile，especiallyduringRooseveltyears，whentheColonel"spictureishangingonthewallsofsomanyAmericanhomes，wereadinthepaperthatababyhasjustbeenbornsomewherewithafullset，andeven，asinthecaseoftheinfantsonofaformermemberoftheRoughRiders，withnoseglassesandaclose—croppedmustache。This，however，mayhavebeenapardonableexaggerationoftherealfacts。AsIrecallnow，itwasreportedinadispatchtotheNewYorkTribunefromLover"sLeap，Iowa，duringthepresidentialcampaigneightyearsago。

Inthemain，though，wearebornwithoutteeth。Wearebornwithoutanumberofthings——clothesforexample——althoughAnthonyComstockissaidtobepushingalawrequiringallchildrentobebornwithoverallson;butteethisthesubjectwhichwearenowdiscussing。Thisabsenceofteethtendstogivetheveryyoungofourspeciestheappearanceinthefaceofanoldfashionedbuckskinpursewiththedrawstringbroken，butbethatasitmay，wearegenerallyfairlywellcontentwithlifeuntiltheteethbegintocome。

Firsttherearethemilkteeth。Rightthereourtroublesstart。

Tousethetermcommonlyinuse，wecutthem，althoughasamatteroffact，theycutus——cutthemwiththeaidofsomesuchmussythingasatoothingringorthehornypartofthenurse"sthumb，orthereversesideofaspoon——cutthematthecostofinfinitesuffering，notonlyforourselvesbutforeverybodyelseinthevicinity。Andaboutthetimewegetthelastoneinwebegintolosethefirstoneout。Theygooneatatime，byfallingout，orbybeingyankedout，orbycomingoutoftheirownaccordwhenweeatmolassestaffy。TheyweremerelywhatyoumightcallourEnteredApprenticeteeth。Wegoinnowforthefullthirty—twodegrees——onedegreeforeachtoothandthirty—twoteethtoaset。

Byarduousandpainfulprocesses，stretchingoveraperiodofyears，wegetourregularteeth——theotherswereonlyvolunteers——

concludingwiththewisdomteeth，assocalled，butitisamisnomer，becausethereneverisroomforthemandtheyhavetostandupinthebackrowandtheyusuallyarrivewithholesinthem，andifwereallypossessedanywisdomwewouldfigureoutsomewayofabolishingthemaltogether。Theycomelateandcrowdtheirwayinandpushtheotherteethoutoflineandsowegoaboutformonthswiththetopofourmouthsfilledwithbracesandwiresandthings，sothatwhenwebreathehardwesobandcrooninsideofourselveslikeanAeoleanharp。

Butinanyeventwegetthemallandnosoonerdowegetthemthanwebegintolosethem。Theydevelopcavitiesandachesandextrarootsandwespendagoodpartofourlivesandmostofoursubstancewiththedentist。Nevertheless，inspiteofallwecandoandallhecando，wekeeponlosingthem。Andafterawhile，theyareallgoneandourfacefoldsuponuslikeacrushhatoraconcertinaandfromourbrowtoourchinwedon"tlookmuchmorethanathirdaslongasweusedtolook。Wedislikethisfolded—upappearancenaturally——whowouldn"t？Andwegettiredoflivingonspoonvictualsandthememoryofpastbeef—steaks。Sowegoandgetsomefalseonesmade。Theyhavetobemadetoorder;

thereappearstobenomarketforcustommadeteeth;youneverseeanyhand—me—downteethadvertised，guaranteedtofitanyfaceandwithstandadampclimate。GettingthemmadetoorderisalongandunhappyprocessandIwillpassoveritbriefly。Havinggotthem，wefindthattheydonotfitusorthatwedonotfitthem，whichcomestothesamething。Thedentistmakesthemfitbyalteringussomeandtheteethsome，andaftersomemonthstheyquitfeelingasthoughtheydidn"tbelongtousbuthadbeenborrowedtemporarilyfromsomebody"sloancollectionofceramics。

Butjustaboutthetimetheyarebecomingacclimatedandwearegettingusedtothem，theinteriorofourmouthforprivatereasonsbestknowntoitselfchangesaroundmateriallyandweeitherhavetogobackandstartalloverandgothroughthewholethingagain，orelsehaplywedieandpassontothebournefromwhichnotravellerreturnetheitherwithhisteethorwithoutthem。IfShakespearehadonlythoughtofit——andhedidthinkofanumberofthingsfromtimetotime——hemighthavedividedhisSevenAgesofManmuchbetterbymakingthemtheSevenAgesofTeethasfollows:Firstage——notooth;secondage——milkteeth;thirdage——

losing"em;fourthage——gettingmoreteeth;fifthage——losing"em;

sixthage——gettingfalseteethandfindingtheyaren"tsatisfactory;

seventhage——toothlessagain。

Iknewamanoncewhowasagunsmithandlostallhisteethatacomparativelyearlyage。Hewentalongthatwayforyears。Hehadtoeschewthetenderloinforthereasonthathecouldn"tchewit，andhehadtocutouthickorynutcakeandcornontheearandsuchthings。Butthereisnothingabouttheartofgunsmithingwhichseemstocallforteeth，sohegotalongverywell，livinginalittlehousewiththewifeofhisbosomandafaithfulhousedognamedPonto。Butwhenhewaspastsixtyhewentandgothimselfsometeethfromthedentist。Hedidthiswithoutsayinganythingaboutitathome;hewastreasuringitupforasurprise。ThecornerstonewaslaidinMayandthescaffoldingwasallupbyJulyandinAugustthenewteethwerededicatedwithsuitableceremonies。

Theyalteredhisappearancematerially。Hisnoseandchinwhichhadbeenontermsofintimacynowrubbedeachotheralastfondgood—byeandhisfacelostthataccordian—pleatedlookandstraightenedoutandbecameaboutsixorsevenincheslongerfromtoptobottom。Henowhadasortofdeterminedaspectliketheironjawedladyinacircus，whereasbeforehisfacehadtheappearanceofbeingfoldedoverandwaddeddowninsideofhisneckband，sohishatcouldrestcomfortablyonhiscollar。Heknewhewasaltered，buthedidn"trealizehowmuchhewasaltereduntilhewenthomethateveningandwalkedproudlyinthefrontgate。

Hiswifewhowastimidaboutstrangers，slammedthedoorrightinhisfaceandfaithfulPontocameoutfromundertheporchstepsandbithimseverelyinthecalfoftheleg。Therewasonlyoneconsolationinitforhim——forthefirsttimeinalongnumberofyearshewasinpositiontobiteback。

Andthat"showitiswithteeth——withyourteethletussay——forrighthereI"mgoingtodropthepersonalpronounandspeakofthemasyourteethfromnowon。Ifanybodyhastosufferitmightaswellbeyouandnotme;Iexpecttobebusytellingaboutit。

AsIstartedtosayawhileago，you——rememberit"syoufromthispoint——yougetyourregularteethandtheystartrightingivingyoutrouble。Everylittlewhileoneofthemburstsfromitscellwithahorribleyellandinthelullsbetweenpangsyougoforthamongmenwiththehauntedlookinyoureyeofonewhoislisteningforthefootfallsofadreadapparition，andonehalfofyourheadispuffedoutofplumbasthoughyouwereengagedinthewhimsicalideaofholdinganeggplantinthesideofyourjaw。Akindfriendmeetsyou，and，speakingwiththathighcourageandthatloftyspiritofsacrificewhichakindfriendalwaysexhibitswhenit"syourtooththatiskickinguptherumpusandnothis，hetellsyouyououghttohavesomethingdoneforitrightaway。Youknowthataswellashedoes，butyouhatetohavethesubjectbroughtup。It"syourtoothacheanyhow。Itoriginatedwithyou。

Youareitsproudparentbutnotsoawfullyproudatthat。Motherandchilddoingaswellascouldbeexpected，butnotexpectedtodoverywell。

ButthesefriendsofyourskeeponshovingtheirfreeadviceonyouandthetoothkeepsongettingworseandworseuntilthepainspreadsallthroughtheFirstWardandfinallyyougrabyourresolutioninbothhandstokeepitfromleakingoutbetweenyourfingersandyougotothedentist"s。

Thishappenssomanytimesthatafterawhileyoulosecountandsowouldthedentist，ifhedidn"twriteyournamedowneverytimeinhislittleredbookwithpleasinglylargeamountsenteredoppositetoit。Itseemstoyouthatyouarealwaysdoingsomethingforyourteeth？Youhavethempulledandpushedandshovedandfilledandunfilledandrefilledandexcavatedandblastedandsculpturedandscroll—sawedandalotofotherthingsthatyouwouldn"tthinkcouldbedonelegallywithoutabuildingpermit。Astimepasseson，theinsideofyouroncewell—tilledandcommodiousheadbecomesbutlittlemorethanarecentsite。

YourvaultshavebeenblownandmostofyourcontentsabstractedbyAmalgamMikeandDentalSlim，theDemonYeggmenoftheHumanFace。Youaremerelythescatteredclewsleftbehindfortheauthoritiestoworkon;youarethefainttracesofthefiendishcrime。YouarethepointmarkedX。

Butallalongthereisgenerallyonetooththathasbehavedherselflikealady。OtherteethmayhavebetrayedyourconfidencebutOldFaithfulhashungon，attendingtobusiness，askingonlyforstandingroomandkindtreatment。Theothersyoumayviewwithalarm，buttothistoothyoucanpointwithpride。Buthaveacare——sheisdeceivingyou。

Somenightyougotobedandhaveadream。Inyourdreamitseemstoyouthatafoxterrierischasingawoodchuckaroundandaroundtheinsideofyourhead。Inthattangledsortoffashionpeculiartodreamsyoursympathyseemstogooutfirsttothefoxterrierandthentothewoodchuckastheycircleaboutnimbly，leapingfromyourtonsilstoyourlarynxandthenupovertheraftersintheroofofyourmouthanddownagainandpatteringoverthesub—maxillaryfromsidetoside。Butaboutthenyouwakeupwithaviolentstartanddecidethatanysympathyyoumayhaveinstockshouldbereservedforpersonaluseexclusively，becauseatthismomentthedogtreesthewoodchuckatthebaseofthatcherishedtoothofyoursandstartstodighimout。Heisaverydetermineddogandveryactive，butheneedsamanicure。Youarestruckbythatfactalmostimmediately。

Utteringsomeofthosetriteandcommonplaceremarksthatarecustomaryforuseundersuchcircumstancesandyetaresofutiletoexpressone"srealsentiments，youariseandundertaketopacifytheinfuriatedcreaturewithhouseholdremedies。Youtrytolurehimawaywithawadofmedicatedcottonstuckontheendofaparlormatch。Butarnicaisevidentlyanacquiredtastewithhim。Hedoesn"tseemtocareforitanymorethanyoudo。

Youbegintodress，usingonehandtoputyourclothesonwithandtheothertoholdthetopofyourheadon。Atthisimportantjuncture，thedogtearsdownthelastremainingpartitionsandnailsthewoodchuck。Thewoodchuckisgame——saywhatyouwillaboutthehabitsandcustomsofthewoodchuckyouhavetohandittohimthere——he"sgameasalion。Hefightsbackdesperately。

Intenseexcitementreignsthroughoutthevicinity。Whilethestrugglewagesyougetyourclothesonandwaitfordaylighttocome，whichitdoesinfromeighttotenweeks。Norwayisnottheonlyplacewherethenightsaresixmonthslong。

Thereisnobodywaitingatthedentist"swhenyougetthere，itbeingearly。Youarewillingtowait。Atabarbershopitmaybedifferentbutatadentist"syouarealwayswillingtowait，likeagentleman。ButthesinewyyoungmanwhoissittinginthefrontparlorreadingtheHammerThrower"sGazette，welcomesyouwithafalseairofgaietyentirelyoutofkeepingwiththecircumstancesandinvitesyoutosteprightin。Hetellsyouthatyouarenext。Thisiswrong——ifyouwerenextyouwouldturnandfleelikeadeer。Notbeingnext，youenter。Rightfromthestartyouseemtotakeadisliketothisyoungman。Youcatchhimspittinginhishandsandhitchinghissleevesupasyouarehangingupyourhat。Besidesheistoorobustforadentist。Withthoseshouldersheoughttobeaboilermakerorasafemoverorsomethingofthatsort。Youresolveinwardlythatnexttimeyougotoadentistyouaregoingtooneofamorelady—likebearingandgentlerdemeanor。Itseemsabrutalthingthatabigstrongmanshouldwastehisyearsinadentalestablishmentwhentheworldisclamoringforstrongmentodotheheavyliftingjobs。Butbeforeyoucansayanything，thismuscularathletehaslaidviolenthandsonyourpalpitatingformandwaddeditabruptlyintothehideousembracesofaredplushchair，whichlookssomethingliketheonetheyuseupatSingSing，onlyit"sdonemorequicklyupthereandwithlesssufferingonthepartofthecondemned。Ononesideofyouyoubeholdquiteadisplayofopenplumbingandontheothersideatastyexhibitofsmallsteeltoolsofassortedsizes。Nomatterwhichwayyourgazemaystrayyou"llbeseeingsomethingattractive。

Youalsotakenoticeofanelectricmotoraboutlargeenough，youwouldsay，torunatrolleycar，whichispurringnearbyinasinisterandforbiddingway。Theyareconstantlymakingtheselittleimprovementsinthedentalprofession。Ihaveheardthatfiftyyearsagoadentisttraveledaboutoverthecountryfromplacetoplace，sometimespullingatoothandsometimesbreakingacolt。Hepracticedhisartwithanoutfitconsistingoftwopairsofironforceps——onepairbeingsaber—toothedwhiletheotherpairwasmerelysaw—fretted——andhegaveamanthesamekindoftreatmenthegaveahorse，onlyhetiedthehorse"slegsfirst。